“I have had 4 dates with one man and I find him very interesting, funny, smart and a gentleman. How do I tell if he is really interested in me? I have read books and everything says to play a game, acting like you are not interested and he will come after you. I want an honest, open and upfront relationship. Do I tell him that I like him and flat out ask if he feels the same. Or do I go with the game of acting like I am not interested?”
Ah, Deb. The age-old question of, “Do I turn him off if I show I’m interested, or pretend to be aloof and coy in the hopes of enticing him?”
This conundrum has plagued women for decades (nay, centuries?).
First, I’m never for playing games. I, like you, prefer to be straightforward. That said, timing and word choice are everything. If you ask “Are you interested in me long term?” in the first few dates, you’ll sound needy and inappropriate.
I think the key is not what is *said* but what is done. Even if he answered, “Yes, I’m interested in you long term” then did little to show his interest, his actions (or inactions) create confusion and frustration, but really show his interest level. So it’s almost a moot point what you ask or what he says. You look for the actions that show he cares.
Caveat: In “Signs of endearment — or just habits?” I discuss how I misinterpreted what I thought were signs of caring, when really they were just my then-beaus habits around any woman. So actions nor words on their own are beacons into his thoughts and heart.
So my advice is to continue to show interest in him, accept his invitations, smile and laugh, but go slow. Look for the signs that says he’s interested in you beyond a quick fling. His introducing you to his friends and family is a solid sign, but it’s not the only thing to look for.
In other words, don’t broach the “Do you like me?” conversation. Keep it light and fun. When he brings it up, it will be more likely he wants to get more serious.
Readers, what do you think about Deb’s situation?
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