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The experiment

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I’m an equal-opportunity dater. I’ve gone out with Caucasian, Black, Latino, Asian, Indian, Native American and mixed-race men. Although it doesn’t always come up, I know some have been Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, agnostic and atheist. None of these on their own are deal makers or deal breakers. My interest or disinterest depends on many other elements.

So it surprised me when some Black men asked me if they are an “experiment.” If going out with them was part of satisfying some curiosity of mine. The first time I was asked this I was confused, so probed.

“What do you mean by ‘experiment?’”

“Some women have heard about certain characteristics that Black men supposedly possess and they want to see if it’s true.”

I almost fell out of my chair.

These “characteristics” could really be described as physical “attributes.” And the Black men got tired of being with women who just wanted to see for themselves, without any interest in a relationship. They’d spent time and energy getting to know a woman and then after a roll or two in the hay, she’d had her curiosity satisfied (and perhaps other things as well) and was on her way. She really wasn’t interested in anything beyond confirming (or not) the rumors she’d heard.

No one likes to feel like a curiosity, something to be examined and then tossed aside. We want to invest time with people who have an interest in the whole package, not just a single part. So I understood these men’s skepticism and caution.

Men I had no interest in have asked if they could fondle certain body parts. How could they possibly think that I’d say yes? They were curious, and no doubt, felt there was no harm in asking as they got the message I wouldn’t be seeing them again.

Have you ever felt that someone was with you just to have his curiosity quenched? What happened?

To understand more about what to expect when dating after 40, get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

About Yury Zvyagolskiy

Yury Zvyagolskiy
In almost all American movies there is a bad guy who is usually Russian and his name is Yury. If the bad guy is not from Russia, his last name usually starts with Z. So here I am - Yury Z. My specialty is personal effectiveness. I am an expert in goal achievement, personal effectiveness, relationships and effective thinking.

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