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Sex talk too soon

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A new man started pursuing me and after a few calls shared how much he liked me. I had made no sexual innuendos nor teasing, so was taken aback when he said, “I want to make love to you.” I’ve heard this from a number of men and generally shake it off as they are lonely and horny and socially awkward reentering the dating world so don’t realize how off-putting that can be.

I’ve had others tell me before, during or immediately after a first date what they fantasize our doing together — and I don’t mean going to the movies! They have concocted their own movie of us in their head, one that would receive an x rating!

I gave the new man the benefit of a doubt and agreed to dinner as he had other positive attributes. He behaved himself throughout and didn’t get grabby during the parting hug.

However the next day he called to tell me how attracted he was to me, how he had trouble sleeping because he kept thinking of me, then recounting in detail his erotic dream of us. Too much information!

I’ve become flummoxed at this too-much-sex-talk-too-soon approach, but am wondering if I’m just naive. Does this really work to bed women? Are a sufficient number of women horny enough to say, “Hey baby, let’s make your dream a reality!”? Do women really find this kind of down-and-dirty talk appealing when they barely know the guy?

These men are successful, educated, articulate 50- and 60-year-olds. Are they so hungry for sex that they don’t know they are repelling the women they intend to attract? Or do they intend to attract women who are quick to jump in bed with anyone who invites them? Has midlife dating become filled with dirty old men?

Are there really only a few of us who appreciate a gentleman who treats us like a lady? I am not a prude — there is a time and place for randy talk — but before, during or right after a first date isn’t it for me. Perhaps I’m out of step with wanting to actually have a close connection with someone first.

I asked a savvy, intelligent gentleman about this and he said, “Successful guys are now aware that they are in high demand. They are being very blunt about what they want. And the fact is that real ladies are diminishing and fast chicks are multiplying. You are losing the battle. Most guys don’t know how to speak to a lady and society/technology is only making it worse.”


Another successful, educated business exec/lawyer and I have been communicating for a month because he’s currently on a long business trip. We haven’t been overtly flirting, just talking by IM, not even voice. Yesterday, he sent me a naked pic of himself, unsolicited. I didn’t know quite how to respond, so just said “thanks.” He wrote back an irate email saying I was hiding because I didn’t send back naked pics of myself.


It seems the hunt for gentlemen is like trying to find white tigers. We know they’re out there, but we have to keep weeding out the common ones.

What’s your opinion about sexually explicit talk before, during or immediately after a first date? How have you responded when someone goes “there” too soon?

For more information on what goes on in a midlife man’s brain (or what doesn‘t go on there!), get your copy of Embracing Midlife Men: Insights Into Curious Behaviors.

About Yury Zvyagolskiy

Yury Zvyagolskiy
In almost all American movies there is a bad guy who is usually Russian and his name is Yury. If the bad guy is not from Russia, his last name usually starts with Z. So here I am - Yury Z. My specialty is personal effectiveness. I am an expert in goal achievement, personal effectiveness, relationships and effective thinking.

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