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“He likes to wear the pants in the relationship”

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A good pal was telling me about a middle-aged, tall, athletic, single lawyer friend of his. I said, “He sounds like someone I’d like.”

My friend responded, “I don’t think it would be a good match. He likes to wear the pants in the relationship.”

I was taken aback.

Responding as non-defensively as I could muster, I said, “I like a man to wear the pants, too. I’m not interested in a subordinate or timid man. I want an equal partner, not someone who dominates nor subordinates himself.”

I wondered if this was a common assumption strong women face. Their friends think because they are assertive, accomplished and ambitious, she wants to dominate the relationship. I know some women do. But not all.

No wonder it can be difficult for powerful women to be set up by their friends. If their pals think they only want submissive men and the friends only know powerful men, they won’t think the two could be a match. How sad.

I know I assume that my friends know me well enough to know I don’t have to always be the alpha. But clearly that isn’t the case. So what’s a formidable gal to do?

It seems a frank conversation is called for, explaining to one’s friends what you are looking for. Not only the superficial trappings (has a job, good dresser, well groomed, smart, mannerly, at least 6′ tall), but the personality traits as well. It’s always good to describe the values you want to share, although friends may have no idea if someone is a cheater, closet alcoholic, or privately verbally abusive.

Have you experienced your friends assuming you’d like — or not like — a certain type of man and they are wrong? How’d you set them straight?


Dating after 40: In Search of King CharmingWant to be clear on what you want in your next partner? Download your copy of In Search of King Charming: Who Do I Want to Share My Throne?

About Yury Zvyagolskiy

Yury Zvyagolskiy
In almost all American movies there is a bad guy who is usually Russian and his name is Yury. If the bad guy is not from Russia, his last name usually starts with Z. So here I am - Yury Z. My specialty is personal effectiveness. I am an expert in goal achievement, personal effectiveness, relationships and effective thinking.

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