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Deafening silence

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An interesting man contacts you through a dating site, but he lives several states away. Even with the distance, you decide he’s intriguing enough to get to know. Besides, you’re going to be in his general area in two weeks, and perhaps he’d consider driving to meet you.

You get to know each other via email and phone, talking every few days. The calls are punctuated by frequent laughter. Your emails show caring and interest in each other’s lives. He isn’t daunted by the 2-hour drive to take you to dinner and a jazz club when you’re in his area.

He says he’s nervous to meet you, which you find sweet, yet odd for a confident, accomplished man.

A big grin brightens his face when he meets you and the evening is a fun ebb and flow of sharing personal experiences, philosophies, and laughter. Flirty arm touching and hand holding evolve naturally.

He even whisks you to the dance floor for a romantic slow song, but you are the one who is nervous now because he performs at ballroom dancing exhibitions. He holds you close, cheek-to-cheek, and you sort of freeze, losing any hint of rhythm. He even resorts to counting the beat in your ear — how humiliating! What happened? You’re usually a reasonably good dancer, although not accomplished at ballroom. But he wasn’t asking you to fox trot, samba or waltz — this was just a simple sway-step! But you found the sudden intimacy too much sensory overload.

He seems to overlook your dancing melt down as you return to your table and listen to the rest of the set.

In the car back to your hotel, he asks if you had a good time. “Absolutely!” you respond enthusiastically. “Great company, good music, fun laughter, good food.” He pulls you to him for a brief kiss.

You thank him for making the long drive. In a joking way he says he should take a nap before returning home, asking if you have a couch in your room. “No,” you lie, “But there’s one in the hotel lobby. I’m sure we could get you a blanket,” you continue in a joking tone of voice. If he’s serious, you’re clear you’re not going to have a man you just met come to your hotel room.

“Well, you will invite me to your room, won’t you?” he asks. “I bet they have rooms available if you’re too tired to drive home,” you respond, now incredulous that he thinks you would have him up to your room the first time you met. Was that his expectation — that you’d have sex on the first date?

He drives to the hotel front door. You expect he’ll turn off the car and get out to hug you goodbye. Instead, he keeps the motor running and doesn’t unhook his seat belt. You thank him again, lean over and give him a quick kiss. Then you open your door and enter the hotel.

Back in your room, you email him a sincere thank you, saying you enjoyed your time together. Days pass and nothing from him. He usually responds within hours to your emails. The silence is deafening.

WTF??? Was the dancing incident too much? Or not inviting him up to your hotel room? Or did he realize that the geographical distance was too much?

We women drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out what happened when a man disappears. We have to come to grips with the fact that if a man wants to stay connected to you, he will. If he’s not interested, he won’t. It is so simple, yet we make it hard — at least hard on ourselves.

We need to just enjoy the good times when we’re having them and if we never hear from him again, oh well! His loss. Not worth our worrying and fretting over. Move on. He’s obviously not your “One” if he doesn’t make contact. Keep looking. And have fun while you are.


Want to know more about what can happen when you’re first dating someone? Get your copy of Dipping Your Toe in the Dating Pool: Dive In Without Belly Flopping.

About Yury Zvyagolskiy

Yury Zvyagolskiy
In almost all American movies there is a bad guy who is usually Russian and his name is Yury. If the bad guy is not from Russia, his last name usually starts with Z. So here I am - Yury Z. My specialty is personal effectiveness. I am an expert in goal achievement, personal effectiveness, relationships and effective thinking.

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