Friday , November 24 2017

Cold feet

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After swimming in the dating pool for a while, you begin to wonder why some people even say they are “swimming” too. They behave in ways that show they are still on the pond banks, even though they’re acting like they are in the pool.

What do these behaviors look like?

  • He lists himself as single on an online site.
  • He makes contact via email, phone, IM and/or text.
  • He responds to you in a timely manner.
  • He sets a time and place to meet
  • He says he’s really looking forward to seeing you.

But then he gets cold feet. Some let you know ahead of time. Others just don’t show.

Why does this happen? It could be several reasons:

  • He’s got a wife/girlfriend/someone he’s dating but isn’t meeting all his needs — usually sexual.
  • He’s talking to several women and another one has emerged as better (e.g., easier).
  • He just likes the chase, but isn’t really interested in meeting someone.
  • He’s looking for someone to scam and you are too savvy for that.

How can you avoid these folks? As I discuss in Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates, you need to vet him as much as possible before putting much time into him. If he tells you conflicting information or something smells fishy, proceed cautiously, if at all. Sometimes it’s best to not even bother meeting if your gut is telling you something is awry.

Unfortunately, we can’t totally avoid these imposters. I thought I’d found a good guy this week. He said he was a veteran officer, now paramedic, starting his own business. He was smart, attentive, funny — my kind of guy. He was tall and I liked his looks.

After a number of calls, emails, IMs, and texts we set a  coffee meeting at 3:30 yesterday. He said he had one errand to do on his drive from his town to mine. He didn’t know how long the errand would take, but he was certain he’d be done in time for our meeting. He’d call at 3:00 to confirm his ETA.

At 2:44 I got a text saying, “Heading back to [my town]….will call in a very sorry.”

I never heard from him again. So “will call you in a few” must mean a few decades to him, not a few minutes as most of us would think. I was a little concerned something happened to him, so I called him at 4:30 — it went to voice mail.

When I shared this with a male friend, he was shocked at this inconsiderate behavior. I told him it was, unfortunately, more the norm than an exception. There are many reasons for it. Even with a lot of knowledge about dating, it’s still hard to not be hoodwinked every once in a while. You’ve got to be careful to not become hardened, suspicious and cynical.

How have you learned to weed out those not really interested in dating, even though they say they are? What are the signs you look for?

Dating After 40To learn other stealthy red flags that point to a man’s not someone you need to meet even for coffee, get your copy of Check Him Out Before Going Out: Head Off Dud Dates.


About Yury Zvyagolskiy

Yury Zvyagolskiy
In almost all American movies there is a bad guy who is usually Russian and his name is Yury. If the bad guy is not from Russia, his last name usually starts with Z. So here I am - Yury Z. My specialty is personal effectiveness. I am an expert in goal achievement, personal effectiveness, relationships and effective thinking.

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