Have you ever seen the show I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant on TLC? It is a guilty pleasure of mine—something I can watch in my pajamas and unleash a fury of sarcasm on. Now, in all fairness, there are medical anomalies. There are rare and random circumstances. I understand the woman who got her tubes tied and they grew back together. Holy moly. So she was 50 years old, and it never even crossed her mind that she was pregnant. She assumed she had a tumor and was dying. That is some serious life madness.
Alas, it would seem that the vast majority of toilet babies are born to denial.
When my husband and I decided to start a family, not only did peeing on a stick (and a little on my hand) show me the light, there were other signs of pregnancy along the way as well.
Let’s just say, I knew I was pregnant:
Therefore, to help out anyone who may be experiencing some confusion, I’ve compiled a list of signs of pregnancy. You might be pregnant if….
1. A stranger stops you in the grocery store to tell you their random and horrifying birth story.
2. Chocolate cake turns you off, yet a giant bag of Brussels sprouts seems to be the best option for you.
3. You crop-dust the grocery store with farts and shrug and blame the kid you already have in the cart.
4. You get to third base more often with your OB-GYN than your significant other.
5. You are running out of Netflix series to watch.
6. You can get to the bathroom in the pitch black with your eyes closed just by counting steps.
7. You have to get a swinging-leg start to get off the bed.
8. You mix salsa, egg, grapes, bacon, nuts, lettuce, feta, and an apple in the same bowl.
9. You close your eyes when you get on the scale at the doctor.
10. You pray for safe and easy bowel movements.
11. You ask where the bathroom is immediately upon entering an unfamiliar building.
12. You daydream about sucker-punching people.
13. You are constantly on the toilet—sometimes facing forward, sometimes backward.
14. Your husband has a spiteful name for your body pillow born out of jealousy.
15. You have no idea what’s going on in the southern hemisphere of your body when it comes to shaving. You wonder if the baby will actually be able to get out. Hopefully, he will be born with a machete.
16. Your emotions are escalated in intense ways. If you are happy, you cry, If you are sad, you cry, If you are disappointed, you cry. If you are angry, you yell. If you are worried, you Google, then cry, then call your sister.
17. You decide to clean your house. You then proceed to sit on a bag of frozen peas and watch Ellen.
18. You go to yoga and spend most of the class lying on your mat and thinking about what you will eat next.
19. You feel strong, brave, and important, because you are, mama.